this is another post about my everyday life as a priestess mum. It is rather long and in the middle feels like a long whine, but please keep reading. Maybe I just wanted to get it off my head, maybe I wanted to give you all something to giggle, because it seems really mental, but I priomise, I did not make anything up xx
This first part is to give you an idea of what's going on in the Fae family parenting-wise and then in in the second part at the end there are some interesting thoughts I gained from what happened, inspired by Isis and Osiris.
So, here we go: last week my Apple woke up in the middle of the night with a “Pseudokrupp”. That is an attack of something that has all the symptoms of an acute spasmodic laryngitis and is not very rare in small children. I did some frantic phone calls to the children's A&E to learn that cooling the child down normally is all that's needed, we dress the little one and my Beloved is off with her for a night time stroll around the block. Fifteen minutes later they're back, Apple free of any symptoms asleep in his arms.
At the weekend I took the lovelies to Bavaria to spent the weekend at my sister priestess Simone's. While we were enjoying some fabulous time of connection and sisterhood there I noticed StarAn's breathing sounding a bit strange and did not think too much of it... a few days later I am at the paediatrician with him, just because I think, it seems to be getting worse and I do not like it. He has no other symptoms and is cool, playful and giggling and in general the world's happiest baby. It turns out he has acute bronchitis and needs to be given medicine and cortisone by means of an inhalor three times a day. A tiny little part of myself was belittling myself, you are making a fuss about nothing, but it turned out it could have got really serious had we not begun treating him, he could not have got enough oxygen into his system and ended up in A&E. I am very proud and happy I did trust my feeling. All hail the intuition of the Mama!
The night before last Apple woke up again, this time screaming with a pain in her ear. It was so bad and she got so worked up she started throwing up everything we put into her – including the painkillers. So it was no sleep for any of us from 3 till 8. At last exhaustedly my Beloved and I load the lovelies into the car to get to the paediatrician, my Beloved driving, me holding the last of those handy paper bags I always take home from aircrafts and stock in the car since I have had children and a mother in chemo treatment to Apple while she throws up, we were prescribed the proper suppositories so she couldn't throw up her medicine again, grabbed some crap that was labelled “fast food” on the way home, snapped at each other, ran into a dead end because they have opened another construction site in our street, had to take a massive detour, stopped at the pharmacy to get her medicine, accepted a plastic bag on another wave of motherly intuition – usually I want to save the planet and avoid plastic bags, Beloved starts driving again, I pour out the contents of the bag shortly after, because - all hail the intuition of the Mama! - Apple has to throw up again, we get home, Beloved puts Apple to bed and lies down because he has a headache, I strap Star onto my back and start cooking the crap, Star is tired and winy, I bring Beloved his lunch and take Star outside to put into the pram, literally dropping him in because I am so tired and push the pram around the green, reminding mys'Elf that I love my Beloved and that I do not need to get angry at him for taking a break because it's not his fault I am not standing up for mys'Elf and claiming my break, Star falls asleep within minutes, I wrestle – all hail the intuition of the Mama! - the pram onto the porch and underneath the awning because it might rain, eat my own crap meal, cold by now, even tastier, hold the bucket for my Apple who is still throwing up and crying for her daddy, explain to her that her father will snap if we wake him now and am being sent away, because as a proper daddy's daughter she considers me simply not good enough, am being called back ten minutes later and invited to sleep beside her, I spend the next hour alternating between consoling her and holding and emptying the bucket and lying next to her daydreaming about affording mys'Elf the luxury of snapping, returning to my own bed and letting them all get on with it themselves, I watch the clouds tear open and hell break loose outside and go to check on Star, I realise there is no way I make it to choir practice tonight, my Beloved takes Apple to the telly, but she screams her ear hurts again, she does not want a suppository, but around 6 o'clock agrees to take it and finally sleeps...
And, praise the Lady, Star falls asleep at my breast. I put cushions and a table around the couch to make it safe and leave him sleeping there, hit my desk to squeeze in some work on my painting in progress, and my Beloved cooks up something lovely to eat and brings me a dish of pasta. So I paint and eat with Bettany Hughes talking about Helen of Troy on youtube and I feel tired, but looked after (food by my Beloved), happy (being creative) and inspired (Bettany). In fact I feel so great that I actually go to choir rehearsals and have one of the best singings ever. Isn't it wonderful how things can turn around? In between singing I fight falling asleep, but I can hear how my voice is getting better since I joined the choir. And although I dreamt about the moment I could go to bed all day long I am going home to cuddle up on the couch with my Beloved to watch an episode of Downton Abbey together.
When I get home Apple is wide awake and watching The Jungle Book with her dad. We watch Downton together and then I change Star, who is sleeping in my bed, nurse him and go to bed myself. And he ends up gifitng me with 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep straight. This has never happened before! I LOVE how this day that seemed full of hardship beyond all my levels of exhaustion turned left a really lovely feeling behind. We did it, and we did well!
And here is my discovery of the day:
During the day I watched myself and observe myself, constantly checking how I feel and what's going on. And when Aplle finally falls asleep I marvel at the fact that I do not feel completely shattered and exhausted. It must be the adrenaline. But also I am reminded of something Vera said in her talk about Isis and Osiris last Sunday:
You don't have to believe in Osiris when you see him in the corn. When you can consume him in the bread. In the myth he is killed and dismembered to be put back together by Isis. In order to consume the bread you have to cut the wheat, thresh and grind the grains, tear bits of bread off and chew them with your teeth. It seems that Isis in all of that is much more stable than Osiris. He suffers all this to be led back into life by Isis. His suffering is his surrender to life. And maybe, Vera wondered, it is natural for men to be a little bit unstable in that sense, while the Goddess is constant.
I felt angry today, when I carried Star outside, nearly dropping him. I felt like I was doing all the work, which was completely not true, but nevermind. I wanted my Beloved to give me a break, instead I took on more so he could have a break. I felt I wanted to be held, and instead I was, again, holding him. Those were my feelings. Knowing that in fact we both contribute I try very hard to not compare us, but when I am tired out, my whole look on everything becomes very negative and I am no longer fair at all. The medicine is remembering that this is not actually the reality, no matter if at that moment I feel it or not, and not keeping stock, so to speak, of who has done what and who has had how much time for themselves, because it does not work that way. I actually am very good at observing myself, identifying what I need and make sure that those needs are being met. So it really is not true that I am not having anything in my life that nurtures me. But yesterday that's how I felt, especially at that point, and then I remembered Vera's talk. Now I like to take it literally when people say, Women embody Goddess, Women are Goddess in human form. So yesterday I felt like I can do this! Isis has the ability to walk through all that's happening, all the commotion and all the suffering unbroken, and on top of her own experiences she also has the strength to guide Osiris through his ordeals and lead him back into life. For me this feels highly significant at the moment. And when I look at myself as the Goddess embodied, I know that I can do the same for my Beloved and my own little family - and for myself. This is not an invitation to become a masochist or a martyr who celebrates disappearing in all she does for others, but a firm rooting in my own strength. It is dropping the victim place of “My life is so hard and I always do everything for everybody else, but I have no other choice...” It is realising the depth of the well of my strength, getting to know my own divine power and celebrating it very minute of every day.